Our main prospect for a place to live was said to us that it would be kept open for us...

 I guess that maybe he meant in spirit. Kim and I have to be out of our place on April 30th by noon. We don't know where we will relocate to exactly but have had our eye on this place over on Wayne ave and haven't really been that concerned about it because Bob(the fourth generation owner) said that we 'get dibs on it', in a very chicago-an sort of way. We drove by it tonight and that is obviously  no longer the case. Looks like chicago-an Bob found some renters to take our place not in spirit so much as reality. We now have no prospects and are back to the drawing board. Something will turn up, we will keep pounding the pavement. I trust the Lord, that he will provide a beautiful space and that He knows the plans He has for us.

 Other events of the day being the last of the "man class" gatherings. Tonight a group of us guys and our families got together for dinner as kind of a celebration and cap stone. Over the last six months we have been getting together every thursday morning at 6 am to collectively work through the process, baggage and truth about what a real man is, asking ?'s like: What is a real man? How does one become a man? Is there a moment when it happens? What is it that holds men back from being real men? How should authentic manhood express itself today?

One of the main things that I have realized over the last six months to a year of my life is first of all that, these are not even ?'s that men ask themselves. Men just kind of leave these things alone assuming that they know the answers or they are just simply to prideful and quite frankly scared to ask them. What is a man? What does a real man look like? Who is a real man? Another thing that I have noticed is that I know very few "real men".  Collectively as a band of brothers we landed on some pretty good realities and verbiage that I resonate well with, for instance; 

 Men are not just born they are proven. Men don't just stumble into being a man, they have to approach it consciously being engaged and intentional, rejecting passivity(emotionally) as well as in other areas and accepting responsibility. Real men are not push-overs who give into all of there little pansy whims, trying to set there life up for a piece of sweet 'easy-life-cherry pie'. 

This "man-class" is not, nor was it a pep rally or a Dr. Phil make me feel good and 'slap my momma' class. It was a lot of truth that sounded a bit like a foreign language due to the fact that we live in a world without confrontation, thats gotten so politically correct that men don't even know what it is to be a man. This strikes me as very sad.

All in all I am grateful that I made the investment.  I would recommend this series and study to  almost all men having looked at quite a bit of literature like this. It is titled Men's Fraternity, the Quest for authentic manhood.

Ok there is my review, I guess I didn't know that I had an opinion on the matter, oh well there it is.

Until next time, good night cyberspace.

It is very important that we do what we need to do, when we need to do it.

Holding someone back is such a drag and makes me feel guilty, as it should. Sometimes by NOT addressing an issue because conflict is uncomfortable is a selfish thing to do. We need to face the music and not be afraid of confrontation. I haven't always taken this road. Passivity is an easy route to go down and the more commonly chosen path as we can see by looking all around us.  Lets make a difference. Confrontation and conflict draw out the settled places of our life into the light and often give breathing room to areas that could use other means of motivation than we can provide by ourselves.

I am back at it...

blogging that is. 

 I have been out of the habit of writing for long enough.

 I have no idea what this next season of life will bring but we are beginning to see changes coming around the bend. I just spoke with our landlord and let Him know that we are not resigning our lease. I have little idea of where we will be moving but change has to happen. I am praying for a miracle and that we will land in a place that we will be able to live fully alive and to our fullest. I have gone through craigslist, the tribune and then the most effective route which has been hitting the streets. We are trying to stay as close to the 1110 Lill ave and the fullerton stop as possible. It will work out.

In other news. I attended my first staff meeting at New Life community church today as I am going to be attending them regularly and am doing quite a bit of staff(ish) things. It will be good and it is somewhat encouraging do to the fact that I have been serving here for the last year or so and feel very much like this is where my wife and will be located for quite a while.

Changes are good. Change for the sake of change is just a re-arranging, but change for a purpose causes forward motion.

I will log in soon.

Kyle

Here is my excuse...

as to why I haven't been writing. I have been lazy, un-motivated and overwhelmed with the feeling that what I have to say isn't even worth repeating, let alone publishing to the general public.

 There is the peek inside at the shameless truth.

 Its 1 am middle of the week. Six months ago, I had my chest cut open for major surgery and as sick of talking about it as I am. I am even more fed up with the fact that 3 weeks ago I re-broke my sternum and even now have trouble sleeping because of it. Yes I am as tired of hearing about it as you are, but am even more tired of the pain and discomfort.

 I don't even know how to process all of this anymore. I haven't been writing lately, because I don't want to sound like Debbie Downer. There are worse situations, scenarios and places that I could be in. I am rich in so many ways. I have a beautiful wife who loves me and is amazing in every since of the word. I have a community that supports me, encourages me and loves me despite of me, or at least they act like it. My family is among the best in the world, my dad is my hero, right along side of my very own personal hall of fame of Grandparents. My mom has shown me what it is to love unconditionally. I am so blessed to have the health that I do. 

 There is my list of positive thinking. To be honest, I am not disciplined enough to run through that list all the time and find myself wrapped around what I don't have and where I can't be, hanging out in the land of discontented daydreams floating down the self indulgent river towards the gnarly falls of self-destruction. This by know means means that I am running around doing stupid things jumping off the Jesus train and diving into depravity, don't hear me wrong. It means that I am human and realize just how much by each passing day just how much that I need Jesus. I need Jesus to be my guide. All have sinned, will sin and left to ourselves are a wreck, no matter how "put-together" you come off, we come off. We need Jesus. Pure unadulterated, 100% Jesus, in everything that we do in all of who we are. 

What can wash away my(our) sins? Nothing but the blood of Jesus! What can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus!

No one is around or there to stop you. What do you do?

 There is no one who would know if I did or didn't do 'that', what do I do? 'I am the only one who knows my real thoughts anyway, so my thoughts are just my thoughts, it's not like I am acting them out.'

These are the beginnings of entrapment or freedom. This core concept of integrity, which penetrates (either now or later) all of your life. What do we do in our heads?

 I look around and see the sad state of friends, leaders, fathers, pastors, couples, people that I think ,'that would never happen to them', taken out by this integral truth. Integrity matters and by ignoring that, they wind up entrapped by the playing out of years of  wrong internal process.  The arena of the mind finds its way into reality in some capacity or another. What I think matters. All people are capable of doing far worse than one would imagine. It starts with just a couple of unharnessed internal, minds-eye tangents that end with you saying, 'but I would never do that'.

 The Bible says, take every thought captive. I am not talking about murder(yet). I am talking about integrity(of thought and deed). I am talking about being honest even with the small things. I am talking about being disciplined in telling the truth and being disciplined in controlling your actions but even and especially your thoughts. Take every thought captive. The ramifications of that are huge. The idea that it matters what we think is so counter cultural and we will see. We will see if this is true. Maybe not now, and maybe not to the full extent but we will see. Maybe just by the fruit of our lives. And here is the kicker and the sunday-school lesson that is way more true than we will know this side of heaven. God sees and knows the truth about our heart and our motives and I don't know about you but I am so imperfect and so selfish that I need His grace and even with His grace find myself so flawed. That my friends is where Jesus comes in. I will take my thoughts captive and rejoice because of the blood of Jesus.

 

What does worship sound like?

 Where does worship happen? When should we worship? What is real worship? Is one kind of worship more pleasing to God then others?

 This morning the snow was falling with delicate, almost planed precision. I was wrapped up in the beauty of it all on my way to get the set list together and "practice" worship at the church when I heard it. The call to really worship. It wasn't like a James Earl Jones voice, quite the contrary. It was small and quiet, almost a flirtatious invitation.

 It was more of a prompting than a voice,( like the day I found out that I needed to get the surgery by being prompted to just walk in to the cardiologist office).

 'You could go and work through all of the set list and worship that way or walk out into the beauty and unfamiliar and I will find you there and you Me!'

 That is not word for word of the invitation that I felt but it is the concept.

 I excepted the invitation and walked through the winter wonderland thanking God for the beauty that He is and allows us to witness. This is true worship. God is calling us away as a Romancer would. He is looking for our hearts to turn to Him and experience the divine. We/I find that we are to busy or hurried to walk with Him and simply worship Him and give Him thanks. Often wanting to give him only the kind of worship we want to make time for.

 Yes, I will still go over the set list and worship through the medium of music for it is one of my favorite ways of worshipping, but I found my heart beating in time with His heart when I excepted the invite to take time to walk alone and in love with God.

 The divine is trying to crack open all of the time if we would just watch. I desire to always except the flirtatious, yet trustworthy invitation to go away with the true Romancer, Jesus, for it is this that sounds like true worship. 

 I find my full delight in Him. Merry christmas, may we give all of the glory, credit and praise to Jesus Christ who truly is the reason for this Holiday and the Savior of the world.

"What am I waiting for?"

 Monday morning, this question popped up as I walked my wife to the train in the unnecessarily cold weather.

 What are we waiting for? I didn't have much context from which that question was posed  but, it made sense to me.

 Do we, especially during this 'shop-aholic' holiday, think for one second that we will be happy when the next thing comes along, when just "that little thing" about your spouse changes? The raise, the debt paid off, the new apartment, just a little more money for christmas presents?

 Here is the truth. We won't be happy then. Rarely in our lives will we be so far ahead of the game that we won't have anything to worry about. And the second that we are there, there are usually other problems lurking around the bend.

 So this past monday morning after walking my wife to the train in the antarctic weather, in the middle of thinking about how I would be happy 'then', 'then' being mid June when I could feel my feet and not have my own breathe freezing to my face. It hit me.

 I won't be happy then. I will be warm then, but not happy.

 Happiness and joy are two totally different things. Joy comes from a place that is not circumstantial. So to that end, I choose joy. 

 Even after just coming from Africa and open-heart surgery, I found myself here saying 'if only'.

How quick we forget.

I say publicly, God you have been more than gracious to me and given me even more than what I need and I am so grateful for who You are and where You have me.

Forgive our greedy little minds.