Wednesday, August 5, 2009

"If you can't say anything nice then...

don't say anything at all."
Thus you haven't heard from my.
I don't mean to complain. I live in one of the wealthiest countries(well you know what I mean), surrounded by peace(if only because of the passive aggressive nature of chicagoans these days), in an apartment that is cozy, in one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in the country(not that I am making the money that any of my neighbors are, we rent a one bedroom of a carriage house), surrounded by friends who love us and spend time with us several nights a week. We have a car. I have a band. I am part of the inner circles of relationships at church and a few other social arenas(leadership and otherwise, I really just mean 'in the know' and part of round table discussion and decision making teams). I have an AMAZING wife, who could not be any more beautiful and also happens to be the best "taker care of Kyle(er)" that I have ever met, not to mention the fact that she has a great job that she loves. I have four haircuts lined up for tomorrow and a few more on the burner for next week.
Ti will be here this weekend for the second weekend in a row. I just spent two full days with Aaron. Vacation is set for the second in Sept. and it is pre-decided that we will have a good time. Jonathan and Thiele are going with us so our vaca has built in friends even.
I say all of that to say. My heart is still not full. It is a bottomless pit that will never be filled(here).
If my joy is to come from what I can do, find, win, buy, plan, attain, or sort out for myself any other way, then I quit.
Life is short and even if I set up the ideal circumstances, would that make me happy? Where does my joy from? Circumstances will change. The ups become downs? Money will come and go. Health will come and go and hopefully come again, both for us and others.
God never changes. He is not swayed by the free market, emotions, our temper, the house or job market. God is the same yesterday, today and forever. He know the plans He has for us. Plans for us to bow to him in loving surrender. In order to draw all people to Himself.
He is a good father.
I have to admit that I do not want to bow. I want to try and take control, do what I know to do in order to make a way for myself and because I feel as though if I don't do it on my own then nothing is going to happen. I feel as though I will be stuck here, on my own. I have a hard time trusting. I have a hard time not freaking out when I don't know what is on the horizon.
Here is some new news to myself(ha ha you would think that since as long as I can remember I have been battling this). Kyle you do not control your world. I don't know the future holds. I am only able to decide right now what my heart will spend its energy on and it is a choice right now whether not I am going to trust myself or the God of all things, who knows the beginning and the end, the one who sacrificed His greatest love Jesus for me.
I choose You God now. Help me to choose you again in about 15 minutes when I am faced with another decision to take the reigns or to let you drive.
Sorry for some of the cheesiness. If I don't just write stream of consciousness (and sometimes that stream is cheesy) then I may not write at all.