WARNING... risk of deep pain.

My mom always said 'the problem with loving people so much is that it leaves you vulnerable to experience more hurt.'

This is always a statements that we remember when a life that is close to us is taken and the hole feels bigger than life because we loved them so much. Or a marriage that is in your direct sphere of life is caving in on itself, or a dear one to you says that they are going to kill themselves, and on and on the possibilities of potential pain.

THIS IS NOT AN EXCUSE to not love people for fear of hurting but instead a charge to allow yourself to be vulnerable and press into the lives around you, daring to take the risk of deep pain, deep lose, real soul carving hurt that makes you want to throw-up. 

I am (at the moment) so moved by compassion and so in love with the messiness of real relationships that I care about that I have to see the Lord move. (Us) People are such a wreck without the saving grace of Jesus Christ. How do we not see this all the time. The Savior must be just that, the Savior. I have met very "nice","loving" people in my life and none of them are capable of the kind of love, "real love" that we, each on of us need.

Jesus, may your Kingdom come and You be glorified in lives, marriages and relationships of all kind.

In the end, are we willing to really love people, getting to know them, do life with them and take the risk of deep pain? 

Here we go...

for the second go around with getting in shape. I will be easing back into my active life style. I won't be lifting much, bench pressing, rock climbing or kayaking yet but soon enough. The very thought of being in shape again makes me very happy. I truly can hardly wait. I am very fortunate that things have gone well for the most part in this last year and you know if any of us have the ability to get in shape we shouldn't take advantage of it.

 On another note. I believe that we found a new place that we will be moving to.  It will be a little bigger than our place back in Madison and like that apartment it also has a really large deck on it, and here is the best part, we are saving a bit on the rent as well. We are now placed in a better financial situation.  

We are trying to build a little more margin into our life on all fronts and that has me very excited about this next season.

May is going to be a very busy month, we will be moved in, I am going to Minniapolis for the National Prayer confrence and then a weekend away with my family, weddings and many more things.

 There is enough time, there will be. It is going to happen. 

Jesus rose from the dead for our sins. Sins that not one of have avoided. Jesus paid the price.

Kyle

Our main prospect for a place to live was said to us that it would be kept open for us...

 I guess that maybe he meant in spirit. Kim and I have to be out of our place on April 30th by noon. We don't know where we will relocate to exactly but have had our eye on this place over on Wayne ave and haven't really been that concerned about it because Bob(the fourth generation owner) said that we 'get dibs on it', in a very chicago-an sort of way. We drove by it tonight and that is obviously  no longer the case. Looks like chicago-an Bob found some renters to take our place not in spirit so much as reality. We now have no prospects and are back to the drawing board. Something will turn up, we will keep pounding the pavement. I trust the Lord, that he will provide a beautiful space and that He knows the plans He has for us.

 Other events of the day being the last of the "man class" gatherings. Tonight a group of us guys and our families got together for dinner as kind of a celebration and cap stone. Over the last six months we have been getting together every thursday morning at 6 am to collectively work through the process, baggage and truth about what a real man is, asking ?'s like: What is a real man? How does one become a man? Is there a moment when it happens? What is it that holds men back from being real men? How should authentic manhood express itself today?

One of the main things that I have realized over the last six months to a year of my life is first of all that, these are not even ?'s that men ask themselves. Men just kind of leave these things alone assuming that they know the answers or they are just simply to prideful and quite frankly scared to ask them. What is a man? What does a real man look like? Who is a real man? Another thing that I have noticed is that I know very few "real men".  Collectively as a band of brothers we landed on some pretty good realities and verbiage that I resonate well with, for instance; 

 Men are not just born they are proven. Men don't just stumble into being a man, they have to approach it consciously being engaged and intentional, rejecting passivity(emotionally) as well as in other areas and accepting responsibility. Real men are not push-overs who give into all of there little pansy whims, trying to set there life up for a piece of sweet 'easy-life-cherry pie'. 

This "man-class" is not, nor was it a pep rally or a Dr. Phil make me feel good and 'slap my momma' class. It was a lot of truth that sounded a bit like a foreign language due to the fact that we live in a world without confrontation, thats gotten so politically correct that men don't even know what it is to be a man. This strikes me as very sad.

All in all I am grateful that I made the investment.  I would recommend this series and study to  almost all men having looked at quite a bit of literature like this. It is titled Men's Fraternity, the Quest for authentic manhood.

Ok there is my review, I guess I didn't know that I had an opinion on the matter, oh well there it is.

Until next time, good night cyberspace.

It is very important that we do what we need to do, when we need to do it.

Holding someone back is such a drag and makes me feel guilty, as it should. Sometimes by NOT addressing an issue because conflict is uncomfortable is a selfish thing to do. We need to face the music and not be afraid of confrontation. I haven't always taken this road. Passivity is an easy route to go down and the more commonly chosen path as we can see by looking all around us.  Lets make a difference. Confrontation and conflict draw out the settled places of our life into the light and often give breathing room to areas that could use other means of motivation than we can provide by ourselves.

I am back at it...

blogging that is. 

 I have been out of the habit of writing for long enough.

 I have no idea what this next season of life will bring but we are beginning to see changes coming around the bend. I just spoke with our landlord and let Him know that we are not resigning our lease. I have little idea of where we will be moving but change has to happen. I am praying for a miracle and that we will land in a place that we will be able to live fully alive and to our fullest. I have gone through craigslist, the tribune and then the most effective route which has been hitting the streets. We are trying to stay as close to the 1110 Lill ave and the fullerton stop as possible. It will work out.

In other news. I attended my first staff meeting at New Life community church today as I am going to be attending them regularly and am doing quite a bit of staff(ish) things. It will be good and it is somewhat encouraging do to the fact that I have been serving here for the last year or so and feel very much like this is where my wife and will be located for quite a while.

Changes are good. Change for the sake of change is just a re-arranging, but change for a purpose causes forward motion.

I will log in soon.

Kyle

Here is my excuse...

as to why I haven't been writing. I have been lazy, un-motivated and overwhelmed with the feeling that what I have to say isn't even worth repeating, let alone publishing to the general public.

 There is the peek inside at the shameless truth.

 Its 1 am middle of the week. Six months ago, I had my chest cut open for major surgery and as sick of talking about it as I am. I am even more fed up with the fact that 3 weeks ago I re-broke my sternum and even now have trouble sleeping because of it. Yes I am as tired of hearing about it as you are, but am even more tired of the pain and discomfort.

 I don't even know how to process all of this anymore. I haven't been writing lately, because I don't want to sound like Debbie Downer. There are worse situations, scenarios and places that I could be in. I am rich in so many ways. I have a beautiful wife who loves me and is amazing in every since of the word. I have a community that supports me, encourages me and loves me despite of me, or at least they act like it. My family is among the best in the world, my dad is my hero, right along side of my very own personal hall of fame of Grandparents. My mom has shown me what it is to love unconditionally. I am so blessed to have the health that I do. 

 There is my list of positive thinking. To be honest, I am not disciplined enough to run through that list all the time and find myself wrapped around what I don't have and where I can't be, hanging out in the land of discontented daydreams floating down the self indulgent river towards the gnarly falls of self-destruction. This by know means means that I am running around doing stupid things jumping off the Jesus train and diving into depravity, don't hear me wrong. It means that I am human and realize just how much by each passing day just how much that I need Jesus. I need Jesus to be my guide. All have sinned, will sin and left to ourselves are a wreck, no matter how "put-together" you come off, we come off. We need Jesus. Pure unadulterated, 100% Jesus, in everything that we do in all of who we are. 

What can wash away my(our) sins? Nothing but the blood of Jesus! What can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus!

No one is around or there to stop you. What do you do?

 There is no one who would know if I did or didn't do 'that', what do I do? 'I am the only one who knows my real thoughts anyway, so my thoughts are just my thoughts, it's not like I am acting them out.'

These are the beginnings of entrapment or freedom. This core concept of integrity, which penetrates (either now or later) all of your life. What do we do in our heads?

 I look around and see the sad state of friends, leaders, fathers, pastors, couples, people that I think ,'that would never happen to them', taken out by this integral truth. Integrity matters and by ignoring that, they wind up entrapped by the playing out of years of  wrong internal process.  The arena of the mind finds its way into reality in some capacity or another. What I think matters. All people are capable of doing far worse than one would imagine. It starts with just a couple of unharnessed internal, minds-eye tangents that end with you saying, 'but I would never do that'.

 The Bible says, take every thought captive. I am not talking about murder(yet). I am talking about integrity(of thought and deed). I am talking about being honest even with the small things. I am talking about being disciplined in telling the truth and being disciplined in controlling your actions but even and especially your thoughts. Take every thought captive. The ramifications of that are huge. The idea that it matters what we think is so counter cultural and we will see. We will see if this is true. Maybe not now, and maybe not to the full extent but we will see. Maybe just by the fruit of our lives. And here is the kicker and the sunday-school lesson that is way more true than we will know this side of heaven. God sees and knows the truth about our heart and our motives and I don't know about you but I am so imperfect and so selfish that I need His grace and even with His grace find myself so flawed. That my friends is where Jesus comes in. I will take my thoughts captive and rejoice because of the blood of Jesus.