Here is my excuse...

as to why I haven't been writing. I have been lazy, un-motivated and overwhelmed with the feeling that what I have to say isn't even worth repeating, let alone publishing to the general public.

 There is the peek inside at the shameless truth.

 Its 1 am middle of the week. Six months ago, I had my chest cut open for major surgery and as sick of talking about it as I am. I am even more fed up with the fact that 3 weeks ago I re-broke my sternum and even now have trouble sleeping because of it. Yes I am as tired of hearing about it as you are, but am even more tired of the pain and discomfort.

 I don't even know how to process all of this anymore. I haven't been writing lately, because I don't want to sound like Debbie Downer. There are worse situations, scenarios and places that I could be in. I am rich in so many ways. I have a beautiful wife who loves me and is amazing in every since of the word. I have a community that supports me, encourages me and loves me despite of me, or at least they act like it. My family is among the best in the world, my dad is my hero, right along side of my very own personal hall of fame of Grandparents. My mom has shown me what it is to love unconditionally. I am so blessed to have the health that I do. 

 There is my list of positive thinking. To be honest, I am not disciplined enough to run through that list all the time and find myself wrapped around what I don't have and where I can't be, hanging out in the land of discontented daydreams floating down the self indulgent river towards the gnarly falls of self-destruction. This by know means means that I am running around doing stupid things jumping off the Jesus train and diving into depravity, don't hear me wrong. It means that I am human and realize just how much by each passing day just how much that I need Jesus. I need Jesus to be my guide. All have sinned, will sin and left to ourselves are a wreck, no matter how "put-together" you come off, we come off. We need Jesus. Pure unadulterated, 100% Jesus, in everything that we do in all of who we are. 

What can wash away my(our) sins? Nothing but the blood of Jesus! What can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus!

No one is around or there to stop you. What do you do?

 There is no one who would know if I did or didn't do 'that', what do I do? 'I am the only one who knows my real thoughts anyway, so my thoughts are just my thoughts, it's not like I am acting them out.'

These are the beginnings of entrapment or freedom. This core concept of integrity, which penetrates (either now or later) all of your life. What do we do in our heads?

 I look around and see the sad state of friends, leaders, fathers, pastors, couples, people that I think ,'that would never happen to them', taken out by this integral truth. Integrity matters and by ignoring that, they wind up entrapped by the playing out of years of  wrong internal process.  The arena of the mind finds its way into reality in some capacity or another. What I think matters. All people are capable of doing far worse than one would imagine. It starts with just a couple of unharnessed internal, minds-eye tangents that end with you saying, 'but I would never do that'.

 The Bible says, take every thought captive. I am not talking about murder(yet). I am talking about integrity(of thought and deed). I am talking about being honest even with the small things. I am talking about being disciplined in telling the truth and being disciplined in controlling your actions but even and especially your thoughts. Take every thought captive. The ramifications of that are huge. The idea that it matters what we think is so counter cultural and we will see. We will see if this is true. Maybe not now, and maybe not to the full extent but we will see. Maybe just by the fruit of our lives. And here is the kicker and the sunday-school lesson that is way more true than we will know this side of heaven. God sees and knows the truth about our heart and our motives and I don't know about you but I am so imperfect and so selfish that I need His grace and even with His grace find myself so flawed. That my friends is where Jesus comes in. I will take my thoughts captive and rejoice because of the blood of Jesus.

 

What does worship sound like?

 Where does worship happen? When should we worship? What is real worship? Is one kind of worship more pleasing to God then others?

 This morning the snow was falling with delicate, almost planed precision. I was wrapped up in the beauty of it all on my way to get the set list together and "practice" worship at the church when I heard it. The call to really worship. It wasn't like a James Earl Jones voice, quite the contrary. It was small and quiet, almost a flirtatious invitation.

 It was more of a prompting than a voice,( like the day I found out that I needed to get the surgery by being prompted to just walk in to the cardiologist office).

 'You could go and work through all of the set list and worship that way or walk out into the beauty and unfamiliar and I will find you there and you Me!'

 That is not word for word of the invitation that I felt but it is the concept.

 I excepted the invitation and walked through the winter wonderland thanking God for the beauty that He is and allows us to witness. This is true worship. God is calling us away as a Romancer would. He is looking for our hearts to turn to Him and experience the divine. We/I find that we are to busy or hurried to walk with Him and simply worship Him and give Him thanks. Often wanting to give him only the kind of worship we want to make time for.

 Yes, I will still go over the set list and worship through the medium of music for it is one of my favorite ways of worshipping, but I found my heart beating in time with His heart when I excepted the invite to take time to walk alone and in love with God.

 The divine is trying to crack open all of the time if we would just watch. I desire to always except the flirtatious, yet trustworthy invitation to go away with the true Romancer, Jesus, for it is this that sounds like true worship. 

 I find my full delight in Him. Merry christmas, may we give all of the glory, credit and praise to Jesus Christ who truly is the reason for this Holiday and the Savior of the world.

"What am I waiting for?"

 Monday morning, this question popped up as I walked my wife to the train in the unnecessarily cold weather.

 What are we waiting for? I didn't have much context from which that question was posed  but, it made sense to me.

 Do we, especially during this 'shop-aholic' holiday, think for one second that we will be happy when the next thing comes along, when just "that little thing" about your spouse changes? The raise, the debt paid off, the new apartment, just a little more money for christmas presents?

 Here is the truth. We won't be happy then. Rarely in our lives will we be so far ahead of the game that we won't have anything to worry about. And the second that we are there, there are usually other problems lurking around the bend.

 So this past monday morning after walking my wife to the train in the antarctic weather, in the middle of thinking about how I would be happy 'then', 'then' being mid June when I could feel my feet and not have my own breathe freezing to my face. It hit me.

 I won't be happy then. I will be warm then, but not happy.

 Happiness and joy are two totally different things. Joy comes from a place that is not circumstantial. So to that end, I choose joy. 

 Even after just coming from Africa and open-heart surgery, I found myself here saying 'if only'.

How quick we forget.

I say publicly, God you have been more than gracious to me and given me even more than what I need and I am so grateful for who You are and where You have me.

Forgive our greedy little minds.

Africa and open heart surgery

Photobucket Album

The economy...

doesn't rule my life.

Stocks plummet and the economy suffers and on and on. 

 Well you know what, I am thankful. I am thankful for what I have and where I have been. I am thankful the hard times. I am grateful for the hard lessons, however painful. I am so thankful for the family that I have. I am thankful for God's protection. I am thankful for my warm apartment. I am thankful that most of the times that I have been hungry it has been because of my own doing that didn't have food. I am more thankful than I can tell you for my wife, who she is, what she has been through, what we have been through together, the gifts that God has given her and just her as a person. I am so thankful for her. I am thankful for the Godly men that I have and have had in my life who love Jesus and who have helped me understand the way to walk. I am thankful that I was born and live the U.S. of America. Economically we may be struggling but we are allowed to serve God openly and love Jesus with out shame. And of all the things that I am thankful, I am most thankful for Salvation and Jesus on the cross, who then arose from the dead for us. 

 Our story is part of something much larger. We are part of a divine romance and a great battle.  I will be thankful. God is such a loving God and a good Father, He knows what I need before I ask and that is not just a positive message it is true.

 

Waiting with hopeful anticipation...

and expectation of what is ahead is much harder than waiting impatiently. 

 This last year has been one of the hardest years of my life, for many reasons.  If you could have been there with me in "those" moments, you know the moments where you feel like there is nothing else in this world except you and a gigantic mountain of a choice. If you could have been there with me in those moments, you would have seen what I saw, though I am sure you have seen it in yourself. I saw myself for who I am, broken, imperfect, not a tough guy, not a victories leader, not a provider, not a warrior, not a gracious husband and not a perfect faithful follower of Jesus. I am left with just me. 

 Now before you get all up in arms and start saying "Don't be so hard on yourself Kyle."

 Here is my question.

 Do you have it together? Tell me there haven't been days in this last year where you looked at yourself and said "This is it? This is how I wanted to turn out?", and days where you wish you could go back, not in time necessarily, but back to when you had it together a little more than you do now.

 OK, so let me state the obvious we can't go back.

 So once again, we are left with ourselves and who we really are.

 Now if this were the end of the story, then I quit, but its not.

 God says that He knows the plans that He has for us, plans for a hope and a future. He also says that where we are made weak, there He is made strong. 

 I bank on it. So here I am, I wait with hopeful anticipation and expectation of what is now and what is ahead, because I don't have to be perfect and it is not me who is in control, God is and He knows exactly where we are and what is going on.