Its clear to me...

 that we as people who are trying to figure out the why's and the what's that this life throws at us, just need grace. Grace from God, grace from family and friends, grace to just be. 

 I look around these days and I see people saying, not with there words but with an unexplainable look in there eyes," I don't have this figured out, I don't know what to do next, I don't have all the answers and I am tired of pretending."

 Maybe you understand what I am talking about others of you are just thinking about me and saying to yourself, thank God that Kyle finally figured out that he doesn't know it all.

 That is not what I am saying, though for the record I don't know it all and I know that quite well.

 What I am saying is. 

 We are all broken. It is clearer and clearer to me each day that I need grace. I screw up. I don't do the right thing. I am not perfect. I am not even sure that I have what it takes to be a good enough person to make due.

 Here is what I know, I know that God is good and more and more I see that He just wants me to trust Him, and what He is doing with me and have grace for myself and others. This has to be enough. It has to, because well, its all that I've got. I trust Him and He has grace for me so I want to have grace for others. I will not  be perfect at this but, who cares. 

Ok , they are almost over.

 For the last several months, I have had trips, events and excuses as to why where I am is fine and why life is going so slow and though I am sure that I am doing what I am supposed to I am tired. It is hard to give your all to the Lord all the time. I am selfish and imperfect.

 My whole life I have been so active doing things, going places and being engaged, that I have allowed this last month of doing nothing to rob me of my joy and my purpose and then blamed it on the fact that I am depressed because I am just sitting around because I have to heal.

 You know how you can just go on living for the weekend or how you just want the day to be over before you even get out of bed. Well this morning I hit it. Rock bottom. I realized that I have been treading on thin ice for the last couple of weeks. I have not been seeking first the Kingdom of God or His ways. I have been doing it all on my own. 

 Yes I went to Africa. Yes I had a major surgery. Yes my brother just got married.

 But now what. It is me alone with my thoughts and no more events. Where do we place Jesus in all of this. What is my purpose. I don't have a "job".  This is the first time in my life that I have no idea, not even a little one, what is next.  This is no excuse. I can't lift ten pounds for another two weeks. Is that an excuse? I don't have much energy. Is that an excuse? There are no acceptable excuses for not seeking first the Kingdom of God. I am left without excuse and so here I am tired, no more reasons or excuses as to why I haven't put Jesus first. 

 Don't hear me wrong, I never was out of His sight, or running from Him, I just wasn't running to Jesus first. There is no valid reason to not stay right by Jesus, not deep depression, not open-heart surgery, not a busy schedule, not trips over seas. All of life is about seeking Him first.

 God forgive me and at your feet I lay myself down to live and stay. I love you and want only You.

 

Africa is the place...

that everyone thinks of when they think"missions".

 I say this because I have heard this out of many people's mouth. 

 There are so many place's in the world that need attention, money, man power, medicine, etc. and while Africa does need those things in many areas, so many African people are full of joy, a joy that I long to see in the eyes of those I brushed shoulders with today  downtown on Michigan Ave. Yes there was and is need in Africa, it was everywhere. 

 There were children playing in the sewer, or was that the drinking water. Our friends there wouldn't let us walk outside after sun down. We would walk certain directions so we didn't get mugged. Everywhere we were we got asked for help. 

 There were your posh places in town, sure, but many of these places were so far removed from the reality of the real peoples day to day.

 OK. There you go, there is my giving in to the desire to write the less than satisfactory reality that we were faced with everyday there.

 

 The truth be told about Africa is that it is a beautiful place full of beautiful people. Many  of the people there are richer than most Americans I see walking down Michigan Ave. ,richer with joy, laughter,relationships and even peace. 

 This past year in the city of Nairobi young adults my age have seen more violence than they have ever seen in there entire lives, yet they have more peace and contentment than those of us who have never even seen a street fight, let alone one of our own family members killed in front of us.

 I am not trying to be graphic or just use powerful scenarios but I want to bring you the truth that we experienced.

 

 OK. Pause...

I have to go to a Dr. appt. to get a chest X-ray and to meet with my surgeons nurse. I will write more soon.

I have been hiding...

...from the blog.

 My mind comes to a stop like a computer trying to do to many jobs at one time when I think about writing to you again.

 It is 1:20a.m. and I have just worked up the courage to begin typing. It is not that it requires a huge amount of bravery, I think that it is more that I have so much that I want to share that the task seems  a bit daunting.

 Today was Halloween and I mustered up the strength to hand out candy at the church though I moved slow, we had a really good time seeing all of the costumes.  I wasn't going to dress up but then I thought of it, an honest costume. I dressed up as a poet with his heart on his sleeve and sowed a candy heart on onto my sleeve. 

 Ok, good night, sleep well. I miss writing to you and will most likely type in the  morning or sometime this weekend.

 Kyle