Ok , they are almost over.

 For the last several months, I have had trips, events and excuses as to why where I am is fine and why life is going so slow and though I am sure that I am doing what I am supposed to I am tired. It is hard to give your all to the Lord all the time. I am selfish and imperfect.

 My whole life I have been so active doing things, going places and being engaged, that I have allowed this last month of doing nothing to rob me of my joy and my purpose and then blamed it on the fact that I am depressed because I am just sitting around because I have to heal.

 You know how you can just go on living for the weekend or how you just want the day to be over before you even get out of bed. Well this morning I hit it. Rock bottom. I realized that I have been treading on thin ice for the last couple of weeks. I have not been seeking first the Kingdom of God or His ways. I have been doing it all on my own. 

 Yes I went to Africa. Yes I had a major surgery. Yes my brother just got married.

 But now what. It is me alone with my thoughts and no more events. Where do we place Jesus in all of this. What is my purpose. I don't have a "job".  This is the first time in my life that I have no idea, not even a little one, what is next.  This is no excuse. I can't lift ten pounds for another two weeks. Is that an excuse? I don't have much energy. Is that an excuse? There are no acceptable excuses for not seeking first the Kingdom of God. I am left without excuse and so here I am tired, no more reasons or excuses as to why I haven't put Jesus first. 

 Don't hear me wrong, I never was out of His sight, or running from Him, I just wasn't running to Jesus first. There is no valid reason to not stay right by Jesus, not deep depression, not open-heart surgery, not a busy schedule, not trips over seas. All of life is about seeking Him first.

 God forgive me and at your feet I lay myself down to live and stay. I love you and want only You.