Fully Alive

Goodbye Grandpa

2010-04-04T22:35:00.000-05:00

I don't even know what to write anymore. The deep ache is ever with me. The longing to be where I know that I was made to to be has been great as of late.

My Grandpa died this last week. He was one of my best childhood friends and hero's. I didn't realize that it would bother me so much or that I would think this much about it, I hardly cried at the funeral. That could be because Joey got married this weekend and we left from his bach. party down by where my brother lives for the funeral back in Ft. Scott Ks. and then after the funeral left to drive back up here. I am tired. Tired of my souls 'deep ache'. Jesus You rose to care for us well, so please come to my aid.

To all of you that I have loved and done life with:

2009-10-12T11:20:00.002-05:00

I am 27 years old, I have lived in six different states, have had a wide variety of occupations and life styles(for better or worse). I have screwed up horribly and succeeded greatly along side so many people. I have had the privilege of knowing some of the most amazing people that I've ever even heard of in real life or in fiction. I am one of the richest men that I know, not like B. Gates but relationally.

To all of you: You have shaped me. You have lived in a way that makes me admire you and has made me want to be like you. You have inspired me. You have picked me up when I was unable to stand. You have walked beside me when no one else was or would. You have fought with me and came out the other end all the better for it. You have listened to my endless rants about whatever I was crusading for. You have stayed up late with me(not even going to give a qualifier here). You were a good friend and not afraid to tell me what you thought, or what you thought that I should do better, or shouldn't do and on and on...

You know who you are if you are reading this and to you I miss you more than I can tell you and wish that I could recapture many of those moments with you or at least relive some of them to some capacity.

And to those of you who are in my immediate sphere of influence at the present, stay close until all of this can be said of you.

To the Chicago family: I love you. You have the inside scoop on what has been the hardest years of my life and you are still here beside me(some of you and to those who aren't I mean to call you. call me)

We will be here in this city for as far out as I can see at the moment, so unpack your bags with us and stay awhile. What you see is what you get from us, so this may all sound cheesy, though I don't really care, because I have a hunch that though a lot of you would never say these things out loud you want to be known as well.

Thank you friends.

I look forward to knowing you and to be known by you.

Like a farmer to the plow...

2009-09-23T14:38:00.003-05:00

so has been my summer. Now that it is over, time to man-up on the harvest of the present and what is to come, taking account of all of the victories, hard-times, successes and failures.

A lot has happened underground in my heart this summer, though I wasn't often sure if that were true. I see more and more this last couple of weeks that it was and is in fact true.

" And you will know a tree by its fruit." I don't often like the fruit that I bare. But God will finish the work that He began in us.

What fruit are you producing? Do you think that you are kind when in fact you are judging and holding on to bitterness towards or against someone? Maybe a dad who didn't treat you the way you should have been treated? A co-worker who hurts your feelings and rubs you the wrong way, everyday? Maybe you have an over bearing mother who has robbed you of your masculinity leaving many things unanswered. Perhaps when you were a little girl your mother didn't invest as much as she could have in certain areas and your dad didn't make you feel as beautiful as God sees you.

Whatever 'unique to you' situation you are in. What is the fruit that you produce? When pressed what comes out? or say you go a while with out going through anything hard and you get a little wrestles, what starts to show up in your life.

Most people whether we mean to or not, on some level rebel against the way their parents raised them, lasting through high-school and if not manned-up to into the rest of there life. We all know examples. Tomboys raise princess' as little girls and say that they are totally fine unscathed by there childhood of actually wanting to be acknowledged as beautiful

(these are generalizations ), over-bearing mothers raise boys who can be more feminine than the college jocks(who have a whole other set of rebellious tendencies), absent fathers produce 'approval seeking' children and on and on and one of these overlaps the other and some of these have made us stronger or weaker and so on.

The two thing that I am nailing down(in a Kyle-rant sort of way) is what fruit do we see in our own life? better yet what fruit do other people see in our life AND what undelt with issues do you have that you would pass onto your children because you aren't dealing with them but instead you just think that you would be protecting them from the pain that you felt by doin 'A,B or C...' Or unowned issues which lead us to hiding or indulging in symptoms.

Here is the moral of the story. We all have the junk. Either we can play like we don't, only fooling ourselves, because I assure you we see them... or we can lean into Jesus, scripture and community freeing ourselves from the anxiety of hiding for fear that we will be 'discovered.'

Lets lean into Jesus. I choose to lean into you and I urge you like some of the worlds finest say to," lean back a lean back..." haha ok I know that I am a dork, it is a childhood issue that I am working out.

Ciao for now

"If you can't say anything nice then...

2009-08-05T15:04:00.002-05:00

don't say anything at all."

Thus you haven't heard from my.

I don't mean to complain. I live in one of the wealthiest countries(well you know what I mean), surrounded by peace(if only because of the passive aggressive nature of chicagoans these days), in an apartment that is cozy, in one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in the country(not that I am making the money that any of my neighbors are, we rent a one bedroom of a carriage house), surrounded by friends who love us and spend time with us several nights a week. We have a car. I have a band. I am part of the inner circles of relationships at church and a few other social arenas(leadership and otherwise, I really just mean 'in the know' and part of round table discussion and decision making teams). I have an AMAZING wife, who could not be any more beautiful and also happens to be the best "taker care of Kyle(er)" that I have ever met, not to mention the fact that she has a great job that she loves. I have four haircuts lined up for tomorrow and a few more on the burner for next week.

Ti will be here this weekend for the second weekend in a row. I just spent two full days with Aaron. Vacation is set for the second in Sept. and it is pre-decided that we will have a good time. Jonathan and Thiele are going with us so our vaca has built in friends even.

I say all of that to say. My heart is still not full. It is a bottomless pit that will never be filled(here).

If my joy is to come from what I can do, find, win, buy, plan, attain, or sort out for myself any other way, then I quit.

Life is short and even if I set up the ideal circumstances, would that make me happy? Where does my joy from? Circumstances will change. The ups become downs? Money will come and go. Health will come and go and hopefully come again, both for us and others.

God never changes. He is not swayed by the free market, emotions, our temper, the house or job market. God is the same yesterday, today and forever. He know the plans He has for us. Plans for us to bow to him in loving surrender. In order to draw all people to Himself.

He is a good father.

I have to admit that I do not want to bow. I want to try and take control, do what I know to do in order to make a way for myself and because I feel as though if I don't do it on my own then nothing is going to happen. I feel as though I will be stuck here, on my own. I have a hard time trusting. I have a hard time not freaking out when I don't know what is on the horizon.

Here is some new news to myself(ha ha you would think that since as long as I can remember I have been battling this). Kyle you do not control your world. I don't know the future holds. I am only able to decide right now what my heart will spend its energy on and it is a choice right now whether not I am going to trust myself or the God of all things, who knows the beginning and the end, the one who sacrificed His greatest love Jesus for me.

I choose You God now. Help me to choose you again in about 15 minutes when I am faced with another decision to take the reigns or to let you drive.

Sorry for some of the cheesiness. If I don't just write stream of consciousness (and sometimes that stream is cheesy) then I may not write at all.

I hunt for it in my heart and these days its, the rarity that I stumble upon on. It is allusive.

2009-07-22T10:53:00.001-05:00

If Deadness Is Next to Godliness
07/22/2009

If the way to avoid the murderous rage and deceptive allures of desire is to kill it, if deadness is next to godliness, then Jesus had to be the deadest person ever. But he is called the living God. “It is a dreadful thing,” the writer of Hebrews says, “to fall into the hands of the living God . . . For our ‘God is a consuming fire’” (10:31; 12:29). And what is this consuming fire? His jealous love (Deut. 4:24). God is a deeply, profoundly passionate person. Zeal consumes him. It is the secret of his life, the writer of Hebrews says. The “joy set before him” enabled Jesus to endure the agony of the Cross (Heb. 12:2). In other words, his profound desire for something greater sustained him at the moment of his deepest trial. We cannot hope to live like him without a similar depth of passion. Many people find that the dilemma of desire is too much to live with, and so they abandon, they disown their desire. This is certainly true of a majority of Christians at present. Somehow we believe that we can get on without it. We are mistaken.

(Desire , 54–55)

The question of our hearts...

2009-07-06T10:31:00.000-05:00

The Question Lodged Deep in Our Hearts
07/05/2009

The question lodged deep in our hearts, hidden from our conscious minds, is: “Do you care for me, God?”

What’s under that question?

Blaise Pascal, in his Pensées, says, “The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.” What’s under that question is our personal stories, often punctuated by the Message of the Arrows: parents who were emotionally absent; bedtimes without words or hugs; ears that were too big and noses that were too small; others chosen for playground games while we were not; and prayers about all these things seemingly met with silence. And embedded in our stories, deep down in our heart, in a place so well guarded that they have rarely if ever been exposed to the light of day, are other grief-laden and often angry questions: “God, why did you allow this to happen to me? Why did you make me like this? What will you allow to happen next?” In the secret places of our heart, we believe God is the One who did not protect us from these things or even the One who perpetrated them upon us. Our questions about him make us begin to live with a deep apprehension that clings anxiously to the depths of our hearts . . . “Do you really care for me, God?”

This is the question that has shipwrecked many of our hearts, leaving them grounded on reefs of pain and doubt, no longer free to accompany us on spiritual pilgrimage. We might be able to rationalize away that question by telling ourselves that we need to be more careful, or that sometimes others are just bad. We can even breathe a sigh of relief when we realize that trouble has come from our own sin. But even the careful, legalistic, and constricted lifestyle that arises out of thinking we can avoid trouble through our own devices shipwrecks when the Arrows seem to strike us out of nowhere. What are we to make of God’s wildness in allowing these things to happen?

(The Sacred Romance , 49–50)

Do I feel older?

2009-06-08T13:38:00.002-05:00

This is a question that I have been asked a lot by different people in the last five hours or so and one that people often ask out of an awkwardness that people often feel because they don't know what to say, or maybe habit. Regardless. The answer is for the first time, yes!

I feel older and I don't know how to explain it.

There has been a significant shift in my heart, an almost settling. Not settling, like settling for the second best, but a settling like a seed into soil. Or at the cost of being cheesy. Like Settlers' (don't know if that spelling is write) into their new land.

That is more how I feel than ever before, like finally at the age of 27 I am ready to unpack my bags and stay a while. Don't miss understand me, not move in for life and stay at this age, how I am now or where I am now forever, but ready to take where I am, who I'm with and where I am headed. Tie it all together and invest, even more than I have in the past.

Invest in who I love, in who I want to eventually love. Invest in who I am and who I eventually want to be. Invest in who my wife is and who I believe she will be. Invest in children that we may have.

It is obvious to me that what I am saying may sound like commonsense. What I am really saying is that I want to be very intentional about what is ahead.

Ok, just a birthday morning observation.

It is my 27th B- day and it falls right in the middle of a season of sleepless nights.

2009-06-08T00:50:00.009-05:00

I have been working on this one sentence for an hour. I get a letter or two in and then it turns into ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd. because i keep falling a sleep.

Tonight we moved our sunday night gathering from 7:30 to 5 pm, I believe that this will be a great switch for all of us, but seeing as how , I can't hardly get on thought out. I will save it.

K. to tired to write.

Ciao

The end of May?

2009-05-30T18:03:00.002-05:00

Really? That was fast. May went by way to quickly with a lot of haircuts, a trip to the twin cities, a trip back to Ks., dropping by the old digs in Madison for Aaron's graduation and pretty much not stop motion. Which certainly beats many months previous to this one.

Summer is right here upon us and soon will be a glance over the shoulder behind us. I can feel my heart waking up to the sensory overload that is the beginning of a summer in chicago.

I pray and hope that we all have an amazing summer and dive into the communities that we are a part of and live life fully alive...

Speaking of... I have a dinner date that is waiting for me. Catch you soon!

Furious Indifference

2009-05-11T12:22:00.001-05:00

All Men Die; Few Men Ever Really LIVE
05/11/2009

The most dangerous man on earth is the man who has reckoned with his own death. All men die; few men ever really live. Sure, you can create a safe life for yourself . . . and end your days in a rest home babbling on about some forgotten misfortune. I’d rather go down swinging. Besides, the less we are trying to “save ourselves,” the more effective a warrior we will be. Listen to G. K. Chesterton on courage:

Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die. “He that will lose his life, the same shall save it” is not a piece of mysticism for saints and heroes. It is a piece of everyday advice for sailors or mountaineers. It might be printed in an Alpine guide or a drill book. The paradox is the whole principle of courage; even of quite earthly or quite brutal courage. A man cut off by the sea may save his life if he will risk it on the precipice. He can only get away from death by continually stepping within an inch of it. A soldier surrounded by enemies, if he is to cut his way out, needs to combine a strong desire for living with a strange carelessness about dying. He must not merely cling to life, for then he will be a coward, and will not escape. He must not merely wait for death, for then he will be a suicide, and will not escape. He must seek his life in a spirit of furious indifference to it; he must desire life like water and yet drink death like wine.

(Wild at Heart , 169)

You are meant to be...

2009-04-20T12:46:00.002-05:00

amazing, beautiful, full of life, creative, wise, sharp and attentive, bearing the image of the Creator of the universe. I hate that this truth is so hard to stomach and that we have to fight to see ourselves as these things. It is part of the battle though. I am talking about the opposite of pride. We are called to be image bearers of God, why are we so afraid of this. Please for the sake of those around you be all that you are called to be. He has come to give us life and life to the full.

This week is off the hook.

Kimberly and I's week is over the top I will be away at a conference for the beginning of the week and we move saturday and this is only half of the load. You have to laugh, right? I guess that I will just have to pray that I can be extra sharp and attentive.

Moving...

2009-04-17T09:25:00.002-05:00

out and forward feels good. We just found out that we were approved for this apartment that we were looking at. Its not amazing, but we will be saving a little bit of money. It does have a huge deck and feels a bit like our place in Madison. It feels a bit cleaner than our place now. I don't know how to explain it but it does. In one week we are out. The new place is about half a mile from here so moving should be fairly easy. Thanks to all that will be helping me move.

WARNING... risk of deep pain.

2009-04-13T18:09:00.003-05:00

My mom always said 'the problem with loving people so much is that it leaves you vulnerable to experience more hurt.'

This is always a statements that we remember when a life that is close to us is taken and the hole feels bigger than life because we loved them so much. Or a marriage that is in your direct sphere of life is caving in on itself, or a dear one to you says that they are going to kill themselves, and on and on the possibilities of potential pain.

THIS IS NOT AN EXCUSE to not love people for fear of hurting but instead a charge to allow yourself to be vulnerable and press into the lives around you, daring to take the risk of deep pain, deep lose, real soul carving hurt that makes you want to throw-up.

I am (at the moment) so moved by compassion and so in love with the messiness of real relationships that I care about that I have to see the Lord move. (Us) People are such a wreck without the saving grace of Jesus Christ. How do we not see this all the time. The Savior must be just that, the Savior. I have met very "nice","loving" people in my life and none of them are capable of the kind of love, "real love" that we, each on of us need.

Jesus, may your Kingdom come and You be glorified in lives, marriages and relationships of all kind.

In the end, are we willing to really love people, getting to know them, do life with them and take the risk of deep pain?

Here we go...

2009-04-11T00:39:00.002-05:00

for the second go around with getting in shape. I will be easing back into my active life style. I won't be lifting much, bench pressing, rock climbing or kayaking yet but soon enough. The very thought of being in shape again makes me very happy. I truly can hardly wait. I am very fortunate that things have gone well for the most part in this last year and you know if any of us have the ability to get in shape we shouldn't take advantage of it.

On another note. I believe that we found a new place that we will be moving to. It will be a little bigger than our place back in Madison and like that apartment it also has a really large deck on it, and here is the best part, we are saving a bit on the rent as well. We are now placed in a better financial situation.

We are trying to build a little more margin into our life on all fronts and that has me very excited about this next season.

May is going to be a very busy month, we will be moved in, I am going to Minniapolis for the National Prayer confrence and then a weekend away with my family, weddings and many more things.

There is enough time, there will be. It is going to happen.

Jesus rose from the dead for our sins. Sins that not one of have avoided. Jesus paid the price.

Kyle

Our main prospect for a place to live was said to us that it would be kept open for us...

2009-03-26T21:08:00.008-05:00

I guess that maybe he meant in spirit. Kim and I have to be out of our place on April 30th by noon. We don't know where we will relocate to exactly but have had our eye on this place over on Wayne ave and haven't really been that concerned about it because Bob(the fourth generation owner) said that we 'get dibs on it', in a very chicago-an sort of way. We drove by it tonight and that is obviously no longer the case. Looks like chicago-an Bob found some renters to take our place not in spirit so much as reality. We now have no prospects and are back to the drawing board. Something will turn up, we will keep pounding the pavement. I trust the Lord, that he will provide a beautiful space and that He knows the plans He has for us.

Other events of the day being the last of the "man class" gatherings. Tonight a group of us guys and our families got together for dinner as kind of a celebration and cap stone. Over the last six months we have been getting together every thursday morning at 6 am to collectively work through the process, baggage and truth about what a real man is, asking ?'s like: What is a real man? How does one become a man? Is there a moment when it happens? What is it that holds men back from being real men? How should authentic manhood express itself today?

One of the main things that I have realized over the last six months to a year of my life is first of all that, these are not even ?'s that men ask themselves. Men just kind of leave these things alone assuming that they know the answers or they are just simply to prideful and quite frankly scared to ask them. What is a man? What does a real man look like? Who is a real man? Another thing that I have noticed is that I know very few "real men". Collectively as a band of brothers we landed on some pretty good realities and verbiage that I resonate well with, for instance;

Men are not just born they are proven. Men don't just stumble into being a man, they have to approach it consciously being engaged and intentional, rejecting passivity(emotionally) as well as in other areas and accepting responsibility. Real men are not push-overs who give into all of there little pansy whims, trying to set there life up for a piece of sweet 'easy-life-cherry pie'.

This "man-class" is not, nor was it a pep rally or a Dr. Phil make me feel good and 'slap my momma' class. It was a lot of truth that sounded a bit like a foreign language due to the fact that we live in a world without confrontation, thats gotten so politically correct that men don't even know what it is to be a man. This strikes me as very sad.

All in all I am grateful that I made the investment. I would recommend this series and study to almost all men having looked at quite a bit of literature like this. It is titled Men's Fraternity, the Quest for authentic manhood.

Ok there is my review, I guess I didn't know that I had an opinion on the matter, oh well there it is.

Until next time, good night cyberspace.

It is very important that we do what we need to do, when we need to do it.

2009-03-25T23:47:00.002-05:00

Holding someone back is such a drag and makes me feel guilty, as it should. Sometimes by NOT addressing an issue because conflict is uncomfortable is a selfish thing to do. We need to face the music and not be afraid of confrontation. I haven't always taken this road. Passivity is an easy route to go down and the more commonly chosen path as we can see by looking all around us. Lets make a difference. Confrontation and conflict draw out the settled places of our life into the light and often give breathing room to areas that could use other means of motivation than we can provide by ourselves.

I am back at it...

2009-03-25T16:46:00.004-05:00

blogging that is.

I have been out of the habit of writing for long enough.

I have no idea what this next season of life will bring but we are beginning to see changes coming around the bend. I just spoke with our landlord and let Him know that we are not resigning our lease. I have little idea of where we will be moving but change has to happen. I am praying for a miracle and that we will land in a place that we will be able to live fully alive and to our fullest. I have gone through craigslist, the tribune and then the most effective route which has been hitting the streets. We are trying to stay as close to the 1110 Lill ave and the fullerton stop as possible. It will work out.

In other news. I attended my first staff meeting at New Life community church today as I am going to be attending them regularly and am doing quite a bit of staff(ish) things. It will be good and it is somewhat encouraging do to the fact that I have been serving here for the last year or so and feel very much like this is where my wife and will be located for quite a while.

Changes are good. Change for the sake of change is just a re-arranging, but change for a purpose causes forward motion.

I will log in soon.

Kyle

Here is my excuse...

2009-03-25T01:00:00.002-05:00

as to why I haven't been writing. I have been lazy, un-motivated and overwhelmed with the feeling that what I have to say isn't even worth repeating, let alone publishing to the general public.

There is the peek inside at the shameless truth.

Its 1 am middle of the week. Six months ago, I had my chest cut open for major surgery and as sick of talking about it as I am. I am even more fed up with the fact that 3 weeks ago I re-broke my sternum and even now have trouble sleeping because of it. Yes I am as tired of hearing about it as you are, but am even more tired of the pain and discomfort.

I don't even know how to process all of this anymore. I haven't been writing lately, because I don't want to sound like Debbie Downer. There are worse situations, scenarios and places that I could be in. I am rich in so many ways. I have a beautiful wife who loves me and is amazing in every since of the word. I have a community that supports me, encourages me and loves me despite of me, or at least they act like it. My family is among the best in the world, my dad is my hero, right along side of my very own personal hall of fame of Grandparents. My mom has shown me what it is to love unconditionally. I am so blessed to have the health that I do.

There is my list of positive thinking. To be honest, I am not disciplined enough to run through that list all the time and find myself wrapped around what I don't have and where I can't be, hanging out in the land of discontented daydreams floating down the self indulgent river towards the gnarly falls of self-destruction. This by know means means that I am running around doing stupid things jumping off the Jesus train and diving into depravity, don't hear me wrong. It means that I am human and realize just how much by each passing day just how much that I need Jesus. I need Jesus to be my guide. All have sinned, will sin and left to ourselves are a wreck, no matter how "put-together" you come off, we come off. We need Jesus. Pure unadulterated, 100% Jesus, in everything that we do in all of who we are.

What can wash away my(our) sins? Nothing but the blood of Jesus! What can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus!

No one is around or there to stop you. What do you do?

2009-02-11T08:30:00.004-06:00

There is no one who would know if I did or didn't do 'that', what do I do? 'I am the only one who knows my real thoughts anyway, so my thoughts are just my thoughts, it's not like I am acting them out.'

These are the beginnings of entrapment or freedom. This core concept of integrity, which penetrates (either now or later) all of your life. What do we do in our heads?

I look around and see the sad state of friends, leaders, fathers, pastors, couples, people that I think ,'that would never happen to them', taken out by this integral truth. Integrity matters and by ignoring that, they wind up entrapped by the playing out of years of wrong internal process. The arena of the mind finds its way into reality in some capacity or another. What I think matters. All people are capable of doing far worse than one would imagine. It starts with just a couple of unharnessed internal, minds-eye tangents that end with you saying, 'but I would never do that'.

The Bible says, take every thought captive. I am not talking about murder(yet). I am talking about integrity(of thought and deed). I am talking about being honest even with the small things. I am talking about being disciplined in telling the truth and being disciplined in controlling your actions but even and especially your thoughts. Take every thought captive. The ramifications of that are huge. The idea that it matters what we think is so counter cultural and we will see. We will see if this is true. Maybe not now, and maybe not to the full extent but we will see. Maybe just by the fruit of our lives. And here is the kicker and the sunday-school lesson that is way more true than we will know this side of heaven. God sees and knows the truth about our heart and our motives and I don't know about you but I am so imperfect and so selfish that I need His grace and even with His grace find myself so flawed. That my friends is where Jesus comes in. I will take my thoughts captive and rejoice because of the blood of Jesus.

What does worship sound like?

2008-12-23T12:12:00.003-06:00

Where does worship happen? When should we worship? What is real worship? Is one kind of worship more pleasing to God then others?

This morning the snow was falling with delicate, almost planed precision. I was wrapped up in the beauty of it all on my way to get the set list together and "practice" worship at the church when I heard it. The call to really worship. It wasn't like a James Earl Jones voice, quite the contrary. It was small and quiet, almost a flirtatious invitation.

It was more of a prompting than a voice,( like the day I found out that I needed to get the surgery by being prompted to just walk in to the cardiologist office).

'You could go and work through all of the set list and worship that way or walk out into the beauty and unfamiliar and I will find you there and you Me!'

That is not word for word of the invitation that I felt but it is the concept.

I excepted the invitation and walked through the winter wonderland thanking God for the beauty that He is and allows us to witness. This is true worship. God is calling us away as a Romancer would. He is looking for our hearts to turn to Him and experience the divine. We/I find that we are to busy or hurried to walk with Him and simply worship Him and give Him thanks. Often wanting to give him only the kind of worship we want to make time for.

Yes, I will still go over the set list and worship through the medium of music for it is one of my favorite ways of worshipping, but I found my heart beating in time with His heart when I excepted the invite to take time to walk alone and in love with God.

The divine is trying to crack open all of the time if we would just watch. I desire to always except the flirtatious, yet trustworthy invitation to go away with the true Romancer, Jesus, for it is this that sounds like true worship.

I find my full delight in Him. Merry christmas, may we give all of the glory, credit and praise to Jesus Christ who truly is the reason for this Holiday and the Savior of the world.

"What am I waiting for?"

2008-12-13T08:24:00.003-06:00

Monday morning, this question popped up as I walked my wife to the train in the unnecessarily cold weather.

What are we waiting for? I didn't have much context from which that question was posed but, it made sense to me.

Do we, especially during this 'shop-aholic' holiday, think for one second that we will be happy when the next thing comes along, when just "that little thing" about your spouse changes? The raise, the debt paid off, the new apartment, just a little more money for christmas presents?

Here is the truth. We won't be happy then. Rarely in our lives will we be so far ahead of the game that we won't have anything to worry about. And the second that we are there, there are usually other problems lurking around the bend.

So this past monday morning after walking my wife to the train in the antarctic weather, in the middle of thinking about how I would be happy 'then', 'then' being mid June when I could feel my feet and not have my own breathe freezing to my face. It hit me.

I won't be happy then. I will be warm then, but not happy.

Happiness and joy are two totally different things. Joy comes from a place that is not circumstantial. So to that end, I choose joy.

Even after just coming from Africa and open-heart surgery, I found myself here saying 'if only'.

How quick we forget.

I say publicly, God you have been more than gracious to me and given me even more than what I need and I am so grateful for who You are and where You have me.

Forgive our greedy little minds.

Africa and open heart surgery

2008-12-08T21:15:00.001-06:00

Photobucket Album

The economy...

2008-12-05T11:29:00.002-06:00

doesn't rule my life.

Stocks plummet and the economy suffers and on and on.

Well you know what, I am thankful. I am thankful for what I have and where I have been. I am thankful the hard times. I am grateful for the hard lessons, however painful. I am so thankful for the family that I have. I am thankful for God's protection. I am thankful for my warm apartment. I am thankful that most of the times that I have been hungry it has been because of my own doing that didn't have food. I am more thankful than I can tell you for my wife, who she is, what she has been through, what we have been through together, the gifts that God has given her and just her as a person. I am so thankful for her. I am thankful for the Godly men that I have and have had in my life who love Jesus and who have helped me understand the way to walk. I am thankful that I was born and live the U.S. of America. Economically we may be struggling but we are allowed to serve God openly and love Jesus with out shame. And of all the things that I am thankful, I am most thankful for Salvation and Jesus on the cross, who then arose from the dead for us.

Our story is part of something much larger. We are part of a divine romance and a great battle. I will be thankful. God is such a loving God and a good Father, He knows what I need before I ask and that is not just a positive message it is true.

Waiting with hopeful anticipation...

2008-12-04T18:59:00.003-06:00

and expectation of what is ahead is much harder than waiting impatiently.

This last year has been one of the hardest years of my life, for many reasons. If you could have been there with me in "those" moments, you know the moments where you feel like there is nothing else in this world except you and a gigantic mountain of a choice. If you could have been there with me in those moments, you would have seen what I saw, though I am sure you have seen it in yourself. I saw myself for who I am, broken, imperfect, not a tough guy, not a victories leader, not a provider, not a warrior, not a gracious husband and not a perfect faithful follower of Jesus. I am left with just me.

Now before you get all up in arms and start saying "Don't be so hard on yourself Kyle."

Here is my question.

Do you have it together? Tell me there haven't been days in this last year where you looked at yourself and said "This is it? This is how I wanted to turn out?", and days where you wish you could go back, not in time necessarily, but back to when you had it together a little more than you do now.

OK, so let me state the obvious we can't go back.

So once again, we are left with ourselves and who we really are.

Now if this were the end of the story, then I quit, but its not.

God says that He knows the plans that He has for us, plans for a hope and a future. He also says that where we are made weak, there He is made strong.

I bank on it. So here I am, I wait with hopeful anticipation and expectation of what is now and what is ahead, because I don't have to be perfect and it is not me who is in control, God is and He knows exactly where we are and what is going on.

Its clear to me...

2008-11-20T13:03:00.003-06:00

that we as people who are trying to figure out the why's and the what's that this life throws at us, just need grace. Grace from God, grace from family and friends, grace to just be.

I look around these days and I see people saying, not with there words but with an unexplainable look in there eyes," I don't have this figured out, I don't know what to do next, I don't have all the answers and I am tired of pretending."

Maybe you understand what I am talking about others of you are just thinking about me and saying to yourself, thank God that Kyle finally figured out that he doesn't know it all.

That is not what I am saying, though for the record I don't know it all and I know that quite well.

What I am saying is.

We are all broken. It is clearer and clearer to me each day that I need grace. I screw up. I don't do the right thing. I am not perfect. I am not even sure that I have what it takes to be a good enough person to make due.

Here is what I know, I know that God is good and more and more I see that He just wants me to trust Him, and what He is doing with me and have grace for myself and others. This has to be enough. It has to, because well, its all that I've got. I trust Him and He has grace for me so I want to have grace for others. I will not be perfect at this but, who cares.

Ok , they are almost over.

2008-11-17T11:13:00.002-06:00

For the last several months, I have had trips, events and excuses as to why where I am is fine and why life is going so slow and though I am sure that I am doing what I am supposed to I am tired. It is hard to give your all to the Lord all the time. I am selfish and imperfect.

My whole life I have been so active doing things, going places and being engaged, that I have allowed this last month of doing nothing to rob me of my joy and my purpose and then blamed it on the fact that I am depressed because I am just sitting around because I have to heal.

You know how you can just go on living for the weekend or how you just want the day to be over before you even get out of bed. Well this morning I hit it. Rock bottom. I realized that I have been treading on thin ice for the last couple of weeks. I have not been seeking first the Kingdom of God or His ways. I have been doing it all on my own.

Yes I went to Africa. Yes I had a major surgery. Yes my brother just got married.

But now what. It is me alone with my thoughts and no more events. Where do we place Jesus in all of this. What is my purpose. I don't have a "job". This is the first time in my life that I have no idea, not even a little one, what is next. This is no excuse. I can't lift ten pounds for another two weeks. Is that an excuse? I don't have much energy. Is that an excuse? There are no acceptable excuses for not seeking first the Kingdom of God. I am left without excuse and so here I am tired, no more reasons or excuses as to why I haven't put Jesus first.

Don't hear me wrong, I never was out of His sight, or running from Him, I just wasn't running to Jesus first. There is no valid reason to not stay right by Jesus, not deep depression, not open-heart surgery, not a busy schedule, not trips over seas. All of life is about seeking Him first.

God forgive me and at your feet I lay myself down to live and stay. I love you and want only You.

Africa is the place...

2008-11-03T13:14:00.002-06:00

that everyone thinks of when they think"missions".

I say this because I have heard this out of many people's mouth.

There are so many place's in the world that need attention, money, man power, medicine, etc. and while Africa does need those things in many areas, so many African people are full of joy, a joy that I long to see in the eyes of those I brushed shoulders with today downtown on Michigan Ave. Yes there was and is need in Africa, it was everywhere.

There were children playing in the sewer, or was that the drinking water. Our friends there wouldn't let us walk outside after sun down. We would walk certain directions so we didn't get mugged. Everywhere we were we got asked for help.

There were your posh places in town, sure, but many of these places were so far removed from the reality of the real peoples day to day.

OK. There you go, there is my giving in to the desire to write the less than satisfactory reality that we were faced with everyday there.

The truth be told about Africa is that it is a beautiful place full of beautiful people. Many of the people there are richer than most Americans I see walking down Michigan Ave. ,richer with joy, laughter,relationships and even peace.

This past year in the city of Nairobi young adults my age have seen more violence than they have ever seen in there entire lives, yet they have more peace and contentment than those of us who have never even seen a street fight, let alone one of our own family members killed in front of us.

I am not trying to be graphic or just use powerful scenarios but I want to bring you the truth that we experienced.

OK. Pause...

I have to go to a Dr. appt. to get a chest X-ray and to meet with my surgeons nurse. I will write more soon.

I have been hiding...

2008-11-01T01:15:00.003-05:00

...from the blog.

My mind comes to a stop like a computer trying to do to many jobs at one time when I think about writing to you again.

It is 1:20a.m. and I have just worked up the courage to begin typing. It is not that it requires a huge amount of bravery, I think that it is more that I have so much that I want to share that the task seems a bit daunting.

Today was Halloween and I mustered up the strength to hand out candy at the church though I moved slow, we had a really good time seeing all of the costumes. I wasn't going to dress up but then I thought of it, an honest costume. I dressed up as a poet with his heart on his sleeve and sowed a candy heart on onto my sleeve.

Ok, good night, sleep well. I miss writing to you and will most likely type in the morning or sometime this weekend.

Kyle

I'm home...

2008-10-19T18:00:00.002-05:00

My torso looks like it's been spattered by a machine gun and sawed open by Jason but I am home. I feel like I have had my spine hung up on a jack hammer and then drug around behind a Ford pickup but I am home. All in all I am pretty happy; I am alive and got to see a picture of my new valve and if one were window shopping for a valve I think I picked a pretty good one. I have very little energy but after all I did just go through open heart surgery; we have so much to be thankful for...the sky tonight for instance, the fact that we live in America, we have friends and family, the fact that we don't have to be in pain 99% of the time...We have so much to be thankful for! Just wanted to let you into my thought process for this past week and I will write again when I have more energy. God is so faithful and it is by His grace that we receive all the beautiful things we receive.

Surgery Recap by Kim...

2008-10-13T21:53:00.006-05:00

Well as you know the surgery got started late today. Around 1:30 they wheeled his bed through the big open doors and said he wouldn't remember going into the OR room. He was still talking as they slipped on his hair cap and said goodbye. We received a call at 2:37 stating that the surgery had started and all was going well. We received another call around 4ish saying that they were working on grafting the aorta; then nothing...for like 4 hours! His surgery was completed around 8:30 and we went 2 by 2 to go and see him. The doctors and nurses were very glad about the results and they said his numbers all look good and that he is recovering well. Most patients need heart medicine and he doesn't and he is trying to wake up already. He is still sedated and they have him restrained because of the fact that he is so young and he is moving around and becoming active and restless but is still non-responsive and they don't want him to pull out the breathing or other tubes. It was very overwhelming for me to see him in that state but I know that God is in control. Jordan and Olivia (our friends from church) were here and they went back and Kyle was struggling and moving and Jordan spoke to him and said Kyle you need to relax and I want to pray for you right now. He said that immediately Kyle opened his eyes and then calmed down. It is hard to see your other half restrained with tubes coming out all over and know they have just experienced something traumatic yet at that same time knowing that the Peace of God reigns victorious. Thank you all for your love, support, text messages and prayers. We are so grateful and Kyle should be writing again very soon. The goal is to have his own private room by tomorrow afternoon or evening if all goes as planned. He is in the ICU at Northwestern .
10:00 The breathing tube is now out and he is breathing on his own! Praise God!!!!

Ok pause...

2008-10-13T07:51:00.005-05:00

I got a call late last night from my surgeon telling me that my surgery might be delayed due to a heart transplant that may be ready this morning. We got here this morning to find out that in fact it will be delayed. I wont go in for a couple of more hours as of now.

Last night we prayed for whoever might be getting the heart transplant that all would work out well for them if they got it.

The women who is getting a new heart is older and her husband and her have been here in the city for six weeks at a down hotel. I have been to many of the hotels around here, enough to know that that would not be a cheap stay.

She is 61 and her name is Merla. Please pray for her. They have been waiting for this for a while and seem to be very excited about finally getting it.

Last call for...

2008-10-12T23:33:00.002-05:00

broken hearts.

It is 11:34 pm and I get up in just a few hours to head towards a small little operation.

I have to fight against my desire now to go on and on about you.

You being those of you who have supported us.

I have been moved to tears on many occasions by your love for me.

Here is my heart. I know that I am being mushy but I am so grateful for the love you have all showed and for you faith in our Living God.

O.K. So good night and I will see you on the flip side.

Not much time left...

2008-10-12T15:49:00.002-05:00

before I have blood flowing well through my body.

Many thoughts race through my head as I anticipate all that is to come in the next 12 hours, let alone the next six weeks. Uh yeah, I can't go there.

What will it feel like to have my rib-cage opened. What does this mean long term. How hard will it be do back flips in the next couple of days (ok maybe not).

Here is the deal. This is happening, I am over it and ready to move on.

It has meant a lot to me to have all the support that I have had from all of you.

This week has been amazing just listening to all of you love and support someone(me) in turmoil. Everyone of you bring joy to my heart. All of you that I say that I love, I really love.

I must say that through this process I have truly felt supported. Many of you have walked along side of me for many years through many things and stood by me well, for that I am grateful.

So goodbye for now and I will talk to you when I have a new heart.

Blood will finally flow through my veins well for the first time in about ten years, I am ready and at peace.

Maybe while I recover I could tell you about Africa.

He knit us together...

2008-10-10T15:59:00.001-05:00

Ok, its on!

I will go under the knife on monday morning. It is a six hour surgery and I won't be watching. God is so faithful. This whole time, I have had so much peace. Peace that I know is from God.

They will be sawing me open and I will be on bypass, fully living at the hand of machines. Machines will be this bodies heart beat and breathing devices.

Are these bodies all there is to this life?

If so than I quit.

There is so much more!

At seven a.m. on monday morning the anesthesiologist will come in smile and say "ok you will just feel a small poke and then I want you to count backwards from ten", I think it would be funny to tell them that I can't count, right after the 'poke'.

Then we pray. Six hours later, the surgery should be done and I will be wired back together.

At that point I will still have breathing tubes and all kinds of other tubes coming out of me and for the next 12 hours or so they slowly remove the tubes.

I will be closely monitored in the ICU for two days and then I will go rock climbing, oh wait.

Then I will remain in the hospital for up to a week.

In this surgery they separate quite a few of the muscles in my chest area that will make everything hard and painful for about two months, breathing, adjusting my position while laying down, even the small movements we take for granted.

Then here is where the pain comes in.

I will need to do very little in the six weeks following.

If there is one thing that I am not a fan of, it is doing very little, as some of you who know me may know.

This is my belief. I know that God knows what He is doing. I know that God is not nervous about His plans that He has for us. I know that He knows the plans that He has for us and that He loves us and wants us to trust Him.

God this is what I know. I know that You are God and I am not. I know that you are in control. I know that You are good and sovereign. I know that there is more real joy and peace in following you then there is doing or being anywhere else in the world.

I trust you Living God. I know that you have good things for us. I am not leaning on my own understanding . So here is me acknowledging you. I love you father and into your hands I place myself.

God is so good.

2008-10-07T12:46:00.004-05:00

I just got off the phone with the Dr. office. They took pictures of my heart yesterday and called with the results.

They said that things look a little worse than they did before Africa.

What a miracle that we found all of this before it was to late. There are about 200,000 people a year who should get a valve replacement, though many don't because they don't know before it is to late.

This kind of heart disease is not that uncommon, but the aneurysm in the ascending aorta adds the twist to the story. The ascending aorta has to be replaced which is what has made the decision for surgery even harder. There are choices that are will be made in the next four or five days that will have some effect on the next twenty-years of my life.

This is a major surgery. I will be hooked up to and living on machines for many hours. I will have tubes coming out of me in all directions. Machines will remove the waste from my body as other devices pump life giving fluids into me. Then after the surgery is complete I will have a valve and aorta made from tissue that may or may not last ten plus years. I will be in the hospital for about seven days and then at home recovering for about six weeks. Those of you who know me know that the recovery time will be as hard on me if not harder than doing the surgery. I don't like to just sit.

My little brothers wedding falls in the middle of all of this and that may be one of the most important days of my life not to mention his. I will be there but I need prayer that I will have the strength to help make that day so special for him. He is my best friend and I have been waiting for this day since we were kids. He is an amazing man.

I know that many of you have gone through hardships, losing something valuable to you( job, possessions, ego, etc.), surgeries (ones that you have recovered from and ones that you have never recovered from). Some of you have lost loved ones. Some of you are still grieving loved ones that recently have gone(or loved ones that you lost and you may still be dealing with it or hiding from it) or loved ones that were never there to begin with(dad's, etc.).

To those whom it may concern:

God is a good God. He is a righteous judge. He is faithful and true. He will never let you go.

He is a good Father, one that will Father you well, and knows you better than you know yourself. He won't give you anymore than you can handle. We can trust Him with our very lives, with our future, our hopes, our dreams, finances, sexuality, our parents, our health. He clothes the lilies of the field, how much more will He be mindful of us. He loves you and even right now is calling you to Himself. You can trust Him.

Jesus be the center of our worlds and draw us to Yourself.

Ok so this specific Dr.'s office that we are going to happens to be one of the best known in the country. Also did I mention that this will all be paid for by insurance(and you don't even want to know how much this would cost). I am amazed at God's provision.

Even now I am learning more about my circumstances and realizing the miracle of God that I am living.

I finally have peace about heading towards surgery. After my grandfather prayed. It hit me that I did all that I felt like I should do. I have peace.

I will be doing lab work for the rest of this week and then will most likely be ready for surgery at the beginning of next week, monday at 5:30a.m. That is there tentative time. It will either be then or wednesday the 15th.

This is not fun news like winning a trip to disney world or a tour of Ft. Scott's Walmart, but it is reality.

God is good, so good, and I trust Him.

I am so grateful to be loved.

2008-10-06T16:00:00.003-05:00

I just went in for my fourth Eco-cardiogram and dislike having Ky-jelly slimed all over my chest especially when they are telling me that surgery is coming up soon by the looks of it.

If you have ever had your chest cavity broken open before and are accustomed to the anticipation of this than you would understand my glee. Ha ha

Let me first say this. I love the Lord so much and am so grateful for His watching over me.

Going back home and having my Grandfather pray for me felt like it probably should have happened months ago. After he prayed I had a peace that I can't explain. I have done all I know to do and still I stand in love with the person of Jesus.

Tomorrow I should hear back from the Dr.'s and will proceed with the wisest decisions. God is in control. I stand on His word for He and only He knows the plans He has for me plans to prosper me and not to harm me.

I will post when I know what the next step is.

Do you believe that the God of the Bible heals today?

2008-10-02T15:58:00.003-05:00

I don't know where you stand on whether or not the triune God of the Bible still heals or not, but I am convinced that He does. In fact I will go as far as to say that if He doesn't I wouldn't serve Him.

Because in His Word He says that He is " the same yesterday, today and forever." and I take Him at His word. He has healed before and heals today.

I am leaving tomorrow afternoon to drive all the way back to Ks. to have my Grandpa pray for me. I believe that at that moment I will be healed in the name of Jesus, not by my grandpa, not me, not because all of my family is together, but because of Jesus and His love for me I will be healed.

It is by His grace that I have faith.

I realize full well that this may all sound crazy to some of you. The reality is that sometimes it sounds crazy to me. God makes it very clear in His word that His ways are not our ways and our thoughts are not His thoughts, but that we are to trust Him with our whole heart and lean not on our own understanding.

JESUS I believe You. I want you to be King of my life and lead me in the way everlasting. I will not die now but live until You let me come home. JESUS I trust your heart for me and others who don't believe in You that it is good and that you know the plans that you have for us, plans for a hope and a future.

When I am healed, You Jesus get the glory. God I love you and ask for you to pour into my life your Spirit. Amen

Despite what we believe...

2008-09-28T15:07:00.003-05:00

God is in control.

He makes it clear over and over again in the Bible that we can trust Him, yet we still question Him. I know that I was supposed to go to Africa so I went. Was my life at risk? To our gauge of common sense, yes, but Gods ways are not our ways. His thoughts are not our thoughts. He is perfect. His word says that He will lead us into all truth. So I took Him at his word and followed what I believe is what He wanted me to do and now here I am back home and alive. We must trust the Lord if we want to please Him.

I trust His heart for me. It is safe to trust the Lord. He leads us beside still water. He restores our soul.

The trip was amazing and I collected a lot of info. for future trips. I went there with a pretty open mind about what we would be doing and that proved to be the way that we needed to approach it.

They said that in the past teams have come with there agenda of things that they wanted to do and so they just let them do what they wanted to do.

Though we shared a lot with them. I feel like the people who where really impacted were us.

They know scripture so well and live there faith out in such a way that I aspire to.

I asked questions and tried to find the heart of what was going on with the different organizations and programs. We witnessed so much that I had to write it down lest I forget.

This blog sight wouldn't let me blog while I was over there, so I will over this next week try to blog some pieces here and there of events that took place.

I will say this. God used this trip to smooth out some of my rough edges.

He continues to humble me as I learn more about His heart for us. We are not to stand by and watch life happen. I believe that God wants us to engage in life. Life in the church. We must know His word well. "In the begin God was the word", to know Him I believe we must know His word.

I will write to you soon...

Kim writing; on behalf of Kyle...

2008-09-18T19:33:00.005-05:00

Kyle asked that I FORWARD you the breakdown of his trip over the past few days. This is a recap written by his team.

We just arrived at the guest house in Kitale after leaving the Pokot. The trip was bumpy, but the scenery was beautiful through the mountains. The Pokot are a primative and tribal group. They raise cattle, goats, and corn. They do not eat the cows as that is their currency, and they cannot preserve that much meat.

We saw the well the New Life sponsored. Since then, 4 additional wells have been drilled throughout their land for a total of 6. The Pokot have donated some land to City Harvest for a church, and other buildings as they see fit. City Harvest will eventually have their own well, but it is not drilled yet.

The Pokot were eager to learn and were very welcoming. They are in need a full time missionary, church, secondary school, preschool, and basic knowledge on farming (other than corn) and hygiene/ health. A team of 6 people from City Harvest joined us on the trip.

We had no health concerns except some sunburn and a sore throat. A few of us even drank from a well with no problem (yet). We travel back to Nairobi in the morning.

Kyle will try to write again soon but he says computers are hard to come by among Rhino's and Monkey's. :) Kim

Hello from Africa...

2008-09-13T10:41:00.004-05:00

We arrived safely last night and I just got to pray with a guy on the side of the road that his mother would be healed. We went to a market this morning sponsored by City Harvest. Everything was made by the people in the HIV/ AIDS support group and they distribute all proceeds to the members. The flight was good but a little rough in some spots; my heart is bothering me a little more than usual today so please continue to pray. I feel that I am exactly where God wants me to be and don't question at all making this decision to be here.

Goodbye American...

2008-09-11T11:57:00.003-05:00

comforts.

Hello discomfort for the sake of Christ. I count it all joy friends when I face trials of many kinds for it develops perseverance and faith.

Even this morning my chest hurts. I am faced with the reality that the aneurysm could break. I am not being brave at this point(or stupid), I am trusting in what I believe the Lord has told me.

Yes he still speaks. Through the Bible, other christ followers, heck He has even spoken through an ass.

I trust Him with my whole heart, I lean not on my own understanding. I believe that I will be healed and given a new heart. I ask Him to search me and know my heart. We can do all things through Christ who gives us strength.

I would encourage all of you who have not made Jesus Lord of your life. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Where do you get your peace? Where do you get your joy? If it isn't Jesus Christ, it will fade. That is not a question.

He has come so that we may have life and have life to the full.

My wife and parents are on board with this choice the go to Africa and they believe as well that there will be a miracle. When there is know that it was because of Jesus.

Goodbye American comforts.

Life is so short...

2008-09-10T21:13:00.002-05:00

and we know so little. Time tells the story that we attempt to tell prematurely.

Only God know all things. Only He knows what tomorrow brings and how to bare the burdens that are on my shoulders.

God is so faithful. Neither death or life can separate us from the love of God.

Its so funny I always wondered what I would do in this situation of being faced with a potentially life altering decisions. Trust God and what I believe He called me to and to be where He called me to be or trust man.

I will tell you this. It is not because I am brave that I am deciding to go through with this trip to Africa.

I am going through with this trip to Africa because I finally trust Him with my whole life and want nothing if not to please Him. It is not about being a super Christian, it is simply about trusting Him everyday.

I need You Jesus more than ever. It hurts. I trust that You God are healing me and setting me free for my good and Your glory.

We leave tomorrow I will see you all again. God is good. He knows.

I can feel my heart beat...

2008-09-09T21:52:00.002-05:00

in my whole body.

Just wanted to communicate more of the things that are and have been going on in the natural.

Yesterday I went to see the surgeon. Accompanied by my close friend Jordan, we went to face the music and listen to the expected bad news that we assumed we would hear.

When the RN for the Surgeon placed the stethoscope up against my chest yesterday, she all but jumped and said "Wow!"

She explained that there is a rating system that they judge the sound of the heart by to determine how bad or good it is 1-6. 1 being good 6 being very bad. She said that I am an easy 4-5.

She was very personable and I was grateful to have someone who cared be the one to give me such a bad report.

After preparing me for many of the realities that the Surgeon would bring to the table when he came in Amy left and the Surgeon came entered the room.

He was a pleasant enough man, though seemingly young to be among some of the supposed 'best in the city'. He was well spoken and very informative. He explained that what I need is a new valve and a new aorta, that it is most likely genetic and that we are "lucky that we found it now at my age in someone like me who is very active". My aorta is extremely enlarged and ready for surgery now.

"Here are your options" he said, " ... artificial or tissue."

He then began to unpack what each option looked like.

Artificial- a mechanical valve and aorta that is almost but not quite as hard as a diamond.

It is a one time open heart surgery and it lasts a lifetime.

Here is the catch. I couldn't snow-board, rock-climb, mountain bike, kayak. Basically I would need to stay away from anything dangerous or anything that could make me bleed because I would be on a very strong blood thinner the rest of my life.

Tissue- once the tissue valve and aorta ,which the origin of the tissue is unclear, is placed in me. I am "normal" for about five years. Then they break open my chest cavity and have to replace it because the shelf life is only five years in someone of my age.

I told the Dr. that I would think about these options but that I was and I am believing God for a miracle.

Ok there are the facts...

Pray...

2008-09-08T23:22:00.003-05:00

I was cleared to go to Africa.

My wife, the team and my family all have peace about me going around the world.

I was assessed for surgery today. They didn't offer good news. I will update you all accordingly.

But trust me when I say PRAY. We are praying for Healing and that is exactly what it will take.

I am trusting our living Lord Jesus Christ for a miracle; I know that all of this sounds crazy to some of you. So again, I am glad that this is not you. May all your faith and trust in Jesus be increased. He is the same yesterday today and forever. There is a bigger story going on here. This existence is not just about us. I pray the His Kingdom come and His will be done.

Wisdom and discernment must be used...

2008-09-08T09:37:00.002-05:00

in this next 72 hours. Will the pastoral staff and the surgeons make me stay home? I am open and have nothing to prove in going. If the pastoral staff of our church is to uneasy then I don't have to go. I am still planning on it and headed towards it until I am told to do otherwise.

I am going to meet with the surgeon right now.

It is interesting to me that not many of you have encouraged me to trust the Lord.

All of you have been very supportive so far and I do choose to trust the Lord with all of my heart with out doubting that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. Because He knows the plans He has for me plans for a hope and a future. God is the faithful God and trustworthy to the end.

The Dr.'s reality...

2008-09-06T07:37:00.004-05:00

was discovered. My aortic valve we knew needed replaced. That was never a question. We knew we needed to get it done quick because I was already showing symptoms and we wanted to above all else get it before I had an aneurysm which is most often resulting in death (John Ridder just past away because of this).

Yesterday we discovered that we are to late for this.

I have already had the aneurysm. It just didn't tear or burst.

So I am literally 'living on a prayer.' (I know you all loved that song)

I am scheduled to leave in six days to fly around the world and be there for seventeen days.

Kimberly is having a hard time with this, understandably.

The Dr.'s are ready to book me for the open-heart surgery, but Africa...

I trust in the Lord with all of my heart and lean not on my own undersanding. I choose to acknowledge Him and trust that He will direct my paths.

Don't mean to be Debbie Downer but...

2008-09-04T14:13:00.005-05:00

I just found out a couple of weeks ago that my heart is not working properly.

The Aortic valve has shut down completely and has calcified. This translates for us laypersons into ' I need a new one'.

Yes this is a big deal... I am 26... My wife and I are doing better than we ever have... I am finally heading in the direction with my life that I have always wanted to... I see light at the end of the tunnel and now? Now this? This thing that I can't control? This thing that is out of my hands?

I am not being dramatic friends. I have been instructed to not get my heart rate up at all.

I hear some of you responding, 'that isn't fair!'.

To you I would say this" it isn't you that this is happening to", but if it were what would you do?What do you believe? Where do you stand?

I am still leaving for Africa in seven days and I trust the One and Only Savior JESUS to take care of me in whatever way He sees fit. I am believing for a miracle.

However, if my heart stops beating now, don't worry about where I am going. I promise He is the way the Truth and the Life and I will be going to a place that He is making ready for me.

To those of you who know me and to those of you who don't. This is me and where I stand.

I guess we had better be right about what we believe...

Cheers

Kyle

Who are we to think that one person or even a small group of people can make a difference?

2008-09-04T12:32:00.002-05:00

I wrestle with this question and will always wrestle with it.

Who am I that I would make a difference?

I can sit comfortably in this tension. I love people and they move my heart. So I am paying alot of money to go around the world to see if I make a difference to a person. A person and not to mention a small group of people have made a huge impact on me multiple times, and so we go. There will be nine. Nine of us from all walks of life, going around the world to love people.

Now something tangible that I would like to see is what kind of produce can be grown in this region of Kenya.

I did a test in a little plot of fill dirt in my back yard with basil.

I had children plant three rows of basil with little to no help by me.

It grew and it tastes good.

Now it wasn't "organic" soil, but it is what I have available.

People in Africa have what they have and so the ? is how can we help them be more sustainable with what they have? We are not looking to recreate the wheel that is already turning. We simply want to add to.

I leave a week from today and am full of anticipation of the ways we will get to love these people. This blog space will hopefully be where you can find the process in which I am in, on a semi-regular basis.